MOTHERHOOD JOURNEY
PART IIIZoe Kravitz - Beauty is when you can appreciate yourself. When you love yourself, that's when you're most beautiful.
Misty Copeland - Be strong, be fearless, be beautiful. And believe that anything is possible when you have the right people there to support you.I just can't take it anymore, this are the words that ran through my mind over and over again. I was tired, weak and vulnerable, with the continuous mourning, I felt that I was a mockery of myself, I didn't feel like I was myself. All I could ask is, Where did I go wrong? Why me? Why did God allow this to happen? I can tell you for free, I had more questions than answers. I know you don't understand, which is okay because neither did I. No one understood how it hurts, the ever wet pillows on my bed nor my heart that was in pieces.
Let me tell you from the start, maybe just maybe you'd understand. You see, growing up, I believe I knew what I wanted, not only that but also how to get it until it happened. Had my life all figured out, it was simple- finish school, get a job, get married, have children, build up my career and live happily ever after.
Little did I know that In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps Proverbs 16:9 . As expected this was short lived. Life took a completely different turn, a month after I finished completing college I found myself in a difficult situation. I found out that i was going to be a mother, the thought of it was not thrilling at all, it was scary. Random thoughts ran through my mind. I was unsure of what to do. One thing I was so sure about, is that I wasn't ready for this. There was no one i could trust enough to handle this news, it was just too much to bear. The only one who by then I was confident could provide a way out, turned out to be my greatest disappointment. By the time I finished talking to me tears rolled down my cheeks. I was devastated, heartbroken, traumatized, shocked, crushed, overwhelmed you name it.
At that time, I felt alone like never before. Everyday I woke up, wore a smile like make-up and go about my activities. Getting home at the end of the day, I would unmask my smile and continue to grief. My heart was filled with resentment and unforgiveness. I bet I was cursing day and night and declaring no peace. Looking back now am sure I went through all the stages grief by Kubler Ross. It was hard to get through it till acceptance.
One memorable day, I prayed and told God that am tired, I needed this to be over, I wanted to be happy. Just happy, I know that ain't too much to ask from the maker of the universe. I got a word on my phone, with that word all my tears were dried up, my heart was completely filled with love, the bitterness, anger, resentment was exchanged for peace and forgiveness. This time round I knew it was done.
Isaiah 43:2 -When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
Slightly after that another word came to know my worth in Christ Jesus.
1 Peter 2:9 But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.
Months later I finally held my baby girl for the very first time. She was so beautiful, her eyes were glowing. I must say everything in her was perfect. It dawned to me then, that she was a special gift from the Heavens custom-made specially for me. My healing and restoration started when she was still in my womb. God taught me on how to love her irrespective of the circumstances on which I got her. Thank God for a special woman in my life, that is; my mother, a lady of noble character. She was the best. Her support and prayers went a very long way to make me who I am today.
My angel girl was named Alicia meaning "Noble one". That's exactly what she is. Doors began to open one after another, blessings after blessings, not only in my life but also for my family. Our home was filled with laughter. In short, my life was and is still good.
This year, I purposed to be a great mother and live a life that my daughter would be proud of. I can't say the journey was easy but I can say But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me 2 Corinthians 12:9. There are certain behaviors that I've stopped on the thought of what will my daughter will think of me, I quickly pull myself together, do a repentance prayer and off I go. I knew it is only through serving God that I will be a great parent. God gave me a new perspective and meaning about life. He took away the shame and blessed me with destiny helpers. I met people who completely changed my life, of course they were a few mockers here and there, But I choose not to loose my focus.
Alicia has grown from a little newborn by then 3kg to an all grown 4 1/2 year old now approximately 18kgs. Every-time I lift my hands, she would too, as innocent as she is, she has placed music, prayers and worship highly in her heart. She has learned greatly through observation and challenges me everyday. I mean, at the end of every day, provided she remembers your name, she'll always whisper a special blessing for you as she prays. I pray that God will continue to establish her according to His word.
In making my 2018 resolutions, one of the things that will still stand out is the desire to be a God Fearing parent, to learn through Jesus exemplary example of service and emulate. Most importantly to take care of my precious gift as I ought to. I will be devoted to bring her up in the ways of the Lord that as she grows old, she will not depart from it (Proverbs 22:6).
Parting shot: You can choose whom to marry, when to be married, when to have children, how many children to have, BUT once you have them your choices are gone. They will grow up whether you want it or not. You have an option of raising the well, if you don't they will still grow but you may not like what they turn out to be- UNKNOWN
