TRIED AND TESTED

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What if I don't wake up? This question and thought, lingered through my mind for as long as I could remember. 

On 15th of Feb this year,  I walked into the Aga khan University Hospital ER and what followed afterwards changed my entire life. I was devastated and angry. I wondered why bad things happen to good people. I wished there was something that I could do to make it right. My life played through my thoughts like a video as I tried to evaluate where I went wrong. I literally begged God to give me another chance, but I later realized that the cup was mine to drink from. 

The next days were followed by a series of tests and doctors reviews. It was difficult to comprehend what was happening. It felt like a bad dream that I  needed to urgently wake up from. I felt like my life had been traded in for someone else's. 

After questioning every logical reason, all I was left to do was cry, trust me I cried a river, by the time I was being wheeled to theatre I was tired. Deep down I wanted to fight on but I was unsure on whether I will win. I kept asking myself, what happens if I don't wake up. What happens to my spouse and my children? What happens to my mum and sisters? What legacy will I leave behind? What will I be remembered for? 

All through I kept listening to "Capable God" by Judi Kay
What can't you do?
What won't you do?
Nothing impossible
Nothing impossible
What can't you do?
What won't you do?
Nothing impossible with our God

 I know you might be asking what's so hard about having surgery, it happens everyday, but guess what I had just spent the last 5 weeks post delivery with excruciating pain. I didn't get to enjoy certain bits of my maternity leave as was I  anguishing in pain. I had all my jewelry removed as I got into Théâtre and it was at that moment that I had returned my engagement ring to my spouse. It was one of the hardest things that I had to do other than saying bye to my children and family. 

The above photo was taken several hours after the surgery, I wasn't fully awake, I didn't understand what was going on. I didn't have the test book type of POST OP but there was a minor complication. I don't know the kind of prayer that my spouse made before putting the ring back, but all I know is that it was a prayer of Faith. When I finally woke up, I saw the ring on my finger and a sense of hope was restored. I felt the strength to move forward. If  I could sum up my experience in three words I would say; "TRIED AND TESTED"
 
Have you ever been tried and tested? Everything that could ever go wrong goes wrong and you are left helpless. Pain seems to have a permanent space in your life and it just shows up even without invitation. As soon as you resolve one thing another one comes come. You seem to forever be in a crisis, I want you to remember that;
 Romans 5:3-5
New International Version
3 Not only so, but we[a] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

The experience that I had has brought so much hope to very many people that in every situation God has a reason and a plan  for it. I would like you to know that, He sees the tears you cry, He shares your pain inside, He knows that sometimes you wonder why He allows you to go through what you go through. He knows that your days are filled with dark clouds even when the sun is out and from the top of your lungs, you shout, will there ever be a change, what shall I do? Sometimes you feel so alone like a child lost with no home. They keep telling you to be strong, but you say, when will it end, when will I win? Just know He has His hands on you. He says He'll see you through. When you cry, He's holding you. So just lift your hands up high. For He will provide

Isaiah 43
1 But now, this is what the LORD says-- he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

With Love


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